• Shahab Nilgiri

A Man And His Confidence


November 8, 2018

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Shahab Nilgiri

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Although this article is mostly geared towards the male audience, it can definitely benefit the female reader. 

As the new year approaches, many people have started to think about what their new years resolution might be. That's usually the time when gyms are packed because of all the fitness goals. 

But what if you had a new type of resolution, a resolution for more overall confidence and well being?

Confidence is a great tool to have in everyday life, and as men, we have goals in different areas of life, and want to crush them with high energy. 

Achieving confidence in different areas (health, wealth, wisdom, etc) calls for different individual steps.

That's not to say though, that you can't have OVERALL confidence and an overall feeling of joy when it comes to living your day to day.

For myself, I was never that guy that just had a conversation with a stranger, let alone a women.

I never could imagine myself having a career that requires me to work with individuals on a personal level.

I was a SHY, extremely introverted child. I didn't have a clue as to HOW to talk to anyone, or even how to change myself in a positive way. My voice was so soft and brittle, no one could actually understand what I was saying.

In high school, I was that guy who dressed thuggish because I thought I was cool and it would give me confidence (I'm sure I'm not alone), but I was really just putting on a front.

Not having a sense of direction hindered my confidence, and not being able to openly share that and be vulnerable with someone didn't help.

Being labeled the shy guy at family gatherings was often the norm.

So, What Helped Me Get Over My Own Mental Boundaries?

Exercise

Being able to get that pump feeling in my body was great. Seeing results was even better.

It taught me that RESISTANCE is essential to becoming a stronger version of yourself, both mentally and physically. 

Reading / Listening To Influencers 

Just because I never lived in the same place as these individuals like Tony Robbins, Jim Rohn, Wayne Dyer, didn't mean that I wasn't going to be able to soak in their knowledge.

Look at people in your own life, and think about what they might have overcame to get to a certain point in their life. 

Listen to their words, read their message and let it soak in. Don't let the message motivate you, but let it change your understanding of what these individuals went through, and how they overcame certain boundaries that were presented in front of them. 

Seeing People As They Are 

Everyone is the same. They've had their own struggles, stories, accomplishments, failures. Just because they are a stranger, doesn't mean they are on a different "level" than you. No need for a pedestal, just be you, the authentic real you. 

Writing Things Down 

Goals, tasks for the day, tasks for the week. Having a goal in your mind and working towards it. 

Whatever might be on your mind (chances are, there's a lot), write them down too. 

If you don't like to physically write, then use an app, but getting ideas from your head to paper will allow you to come up with tangible steps to achieve the goal/task.

I wasn't always perfect at writing everything down, but that brings me to my next point.

Not Caring About Perfection

The need for perfection is the enemy of completion

Go for B- level work, and work towards the A+ as you continue to grow. 

Joining Muay Thai

This allowed me to have a network of like minded individuals who care about themselves and their mental/physical well being. 

There's something about punching, kicking, and letting go of that heavy breath and very therapeutic, and helps your mind relax

Let Judgement Happen 

People will judge, no matter what you do. Let that truth be, and the feeling will be liberating. 

At the end of the day, as the saying goes, what people think if you is none of your business.

But WHAT is confidence? How do you know you have it? And what can you do to get more of it? 

Confidence

Confidence can simply be stated as

Feeling of competence.

Belief in your own self worth (self-esteem) 

Ability to create goals AND follow through with them (which re-iterates that belief of you having more confidence)

Your ability to create goals and follow through requires you to be DECISIVE, which is a trait that confident people (not just men) need to carry. 

As you can tell, confidence is NOT just one simple answer. 

It can be tricky, because one can be confident in one area, and totally lost in another. A man can have great confidence with his work, but be totally clueless with women! 

Having confidence is a feeling, and you don't have to be cocky or arrogant to show it.

It's a vibe that you carry with you in your day to day, and you know deep in your heart that you can get over any obstacle, as DIFFICULT as it may be. This is because you know that you'll come out a stronger person on the other side. 

So while you may not like the hard times that may be present, you know that you'll get something positive out of it. 

It's never as simple as a switch going off that let's you know "you're confident now". It's more of a belief that you know you have your sh*t together. 

If something doesn't go your way, then you know a self belief that you can figure things out.

When things do go your way, you celebrate in a humble, grounded fashion, and you create new goals to strive for.

You have a certain aura about you when you exude a certain level of confidence

You walk different

You talk different

You present yourself different

You receive compliments well

You give off your energy to others

You listen well and keep eye contact

You're just an overall different person, but in a good way.  

That being said, there are other parts that play a role in overall confidence. 

How's your self esteem? This is what you value your self worth to be.

How's your self talk? This is what you say to yourself in your mind on a daily.

Having control over your thoughts and emotions. (as best as you can)

That's confidence.

What About The Opposite?

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But what if things aren't going your way?

What if you feel like you've tried every avenue, but feel like a failure? 

What if you you start to question your confidence, and your self worth? 

These are all real struggles that men AND women face, and it hinders our progress as productive individuals of society. 

I think the number one thing you should do is to embrace the current situation you're in, and let it sink in. I say this because far too many times (I'm guilty of this, too)...

We think MORE about the things that are bringing us down, and we give those thoughts too much power. 

We've been taught to hide our emotions, and hide our vulnerability.

Why? Probably because of societal pressures

But embracing those things will help us move forward in a positive direction. 

Show that you're willing to open your heart, and to listen.

What helps me with this are a few different things...

Meditate

Be willing to be present in what's going on in your now, and let the thoughts flow.

Literally close your eyes and focus on deep diaphragm breathing. (hopefully you're sitting at this point).

Negativity will be everywhere, but how you deal with it determines your outcome in everything. 

This brings me to my next point, which is...

Practise Gratefulness

With so many things going on, it's so easy to just let go of all the things that you are actually happy about. 

Using meditation and being present as a tool, practise thinking about what things you're grateful for currently, and use that as an anchor to bring you back to the now if you find your mind takes you on a negativity roller coaster. 

Exercise

Next is get MOVING. There's a reason as to why people say exercise is the worlds most under-utilized anti-depressant. It's one of those activities that people don't implement, but should on a regular basis.

Lots of hormones play a part in exercise, testosterone, BDNF, growth hormone, and the list goes on...

You want to feel fantastic after a workout routine? Perform exercises that use more than one joint (compound)

Squat

Deadlift

Bench Press

Lunges

Pull Ups/Chin Ups

Barbell Rows

...and on it goes 

Or just go do a kick a$$ group class. Get moving and get a great sweat!

Remember, motion is emotion. (Thanks, Tony Robbins!)

Dressing The Part

Whether you're actively trying to attract a mate or not, you need to dress the part. 

This doesn't mean that you go out and start buying Gucci, but it does mean that you take a little time to groom, and get clothing that will fit you comfortably and give you some shape. (Shape isn't only for women, you know)

Set Goals, And Meet Them

A confident man will set goals for himself, and start working towards those goals. You don't have to tell these to anyone but yourself. However, you can have an accountability partner (like a coach) to make sure you are on track. (and the right track).

When it comes to setting these goals, you HAVE to start small rather than take on a big audacious goal right away.

When I wanted to get into the fitness industry, I needed schooling to get a diploma, and then a certification after. Although it's true that you don't need school, it's still better in my opinion. 

I didn't have the right requirements to get into the program, so what did I do?

I researched equivalency courses that I could take part time, while still working part time and keeping up with my day to day. 

Waking up at 5 am to work at Starbucks part time, then taking the subway to Toronto to finish up my course work. After school, hop back on the subway to get to my Muay Thai class (because no matter how tough your current routine is, you NEED to have something to look forward to that keeps you sane). After kicking butt, head home to meal prep, eat, and plan out the next day. 

Getting accepted into the program was my goal (at the time) and it happened. 

If you tend to sleep in, then set a goal to wake up 30 minutes earlier than when you would normally wake up, and use that time to be productive. 

So take some time, and think about some things you want to accomplish, and then set out to achieve them with smaller sub-steps. 

Having A Morning Routine.

I've made a video about this topic, and I explain why it's so important to have some kind of a morning routine. 

It sets the tone for the rest of your day. 

Would you rather own your day, or let the day get the best of you? 

Here's the link to the video. 

Spend Alone Time With Yourself

This might be the hardest one for people to do, but I think it's crucially important.

Most don't want to spend time with ourselves, because that means being alone with our own thoughts.

Yet, our own mental tapes are running everyday, and even if it's mostly negative bs, we don't think twice about it. 

I'm asking you to sit and stare at these thoughts head on, and then ask, why? 

How would your life be if it was totally up to you? How does your day look? Your job?

Sit And Think About What Might Bring Your Joy For Work

This will be different for everyone. The previous point of sitting alone with your thoughts will help with this. 

If you love your job, great. If you don't, then what might you like to do? This will take some digging into.

Think about groups that this certain career path has. For example, if it's speaking, check out Toastmasters. If it's IT, then see what kind of meetups they might have on IT topics. 

This part is all about getting to know people that are doing what you might want to be doing. It takes increasing your network, and getting out of your comfort zone a bit. 

Trust Yourself, Damn It!

Last but not least, trust yourself! ;)

No one did anything valuable for themselves if they thought negative thoughts about themselves. 

Have belief in yourself, have faith, but also do the things that I've mentioned above. 

Get a coach if you really need some guidance when it comes to getting over humps. But get resourceful, and don't fall victim to thinking that theres's a lack of resources. 

If you liked the points in this article, please let me know by commenting, and share it with someone whom you think will benefit. I'll be forever grateful. 

Now, go get it! 

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